What better thing to do at the beginning of a new decade than make outrageous guesses about what’s going to happen?
1. Google and Apple merge into the world’s biggest tech company, first project: Skynet.
Combine the software savvy of Google and the hardware expertise of Apple and you’ll have one hell of a company. Google already knows so much about us: thousands of emails saved on their servers, all of our search queries, what sites we frequent the most, etc. If any company in the world were to have the ability to design and build advanced robots, be able to fund it with their twenty billion dollars in reserves, and keep it a secret until launch, it would probably be Apple. Plus both of them are located near San Francisco, the headquarters of the fictional Skynet.
Seriously, that's the nicest image of her I could find.
2. In a bizarre move, President Obama resigns.
First of all this would be shocking for the country, but worse because Joe Biden would become president. Or I should say should become president, because we all know Hillary would some how make the democratic process her slave and snake the presidency.
When asked what he thought of this prediction, senior Doug Watt said, “My lawyers have advised me not to comment on the possible Hillary/Biden situation as I may have inside information… let’s just say it involves Ron Paul, the Swedish mafia, and the Kentucky fried chicken industry.”
3. Consumers quickly become dissatisfied with e-readers, a renewed interest in paper books follows.
The beginning of 2010 saw a deluge of e-reader devices manufactured by companies ranging from tech giant Sony to illegitimate Chinese back-ally shops. Ultimately though, I think most users will find e-readers to be lame one-trick ponies that don’t make reading books like Player Piano suddenly enjoyable. Next companies will start advertising paper books as retro and cool. Then the Apple tablet will come, and put all other electronics to shame anyway, so don’t bother messing around with “e-readers.”
Stylish, eh?
4. The Snuggie evolves to include a pillow section… possibly turn into full on sleeping bag.
Though I am personally not an owner of a Snuggie, and consider the traditional quilted blanket to be a far superior option, I will give Snuggie owners the benefit of the doubt and say yes, I understand their appeal… kinda. Anyway, if I were to own a Snuggie I’d want one with a padded section, something like a pillow, perhaps made of memory foam, to be integrated into the Snuggie itself.
If Snuggie owners are trying to in some way replicate a womb-like environment and seek the design of a colorful monk-esque drapery, then why not go the full nine yards and hop into a Selk-bag? Selk-bags (pictured at left) have been around for some time, and are far more versatile than your average Snuggie.
Senior Karl Fletcher disagrees. “The great thing about a Snuggie is that it’s easy to take off; it’s simple and functional,” he said.
Update: As it turns out, something similar to this already does exist, but is so relatively rare I’m still considering my prediction semi-valid. Check out the Dreamie, if you wish to go down that possibly dangerous road.
5. Youth adopt different online chatting tools in protest of Facebook Chat’s continued bugginess.
We all like Facebook, but chat fails again and again. Sometimes when the site is down, communication becomes painful and frustrating. Chat was perfected over a decade ago with the creation of ICQ (I-seek-you), which was then sold to AOL and became the behemoth turned has-been that is AIM. So why does Facebook chat suck so much?
This is why I’m predicting users start looking into and embracing alternative chat options. Third-party applications really could win here, as Facebook itself exports its chat connectivity, so sites like Meebo and apps like Adium can do Facebook chat without using Facebook Chat.
6. Somali pirates join in alliance with thePirateBay.org.
The “hybrid” pirate will makes its debut this year. Tech pirates, the ones that distribute illegal copies of shows like 24, and old-school pirates, the types that board ship and take your women, will join in a grand merger that seems only obvious now. Both the information super highway that is the internet and the good ‘ol highways on water that is the sea will be ruled–at least in some part–by a dedicated band of wanted-list pirates.
Predictions by Others:
1. Israel attacks Iran.
While no one knows exactly how close to developing a nuclear weapon Iran is, there is quite a lot of speculation that they are quite close to being able to detonate a device. Israel considers a nuclear-armed Iran to be a existential threat, and they have every reason to: Iran’s leadership regularly calls for Israel’s destruction, and any doubt that one might have had about their willingness to use extreme violence to achieve their goals were put to an end when the world saw their willingness to brutalize their own citizens that have recently protested for democracy. Israel has been developing the technology and practicing the techniques necessary to launch an air-strike against Iran’s nuclear facilities. With everyday that passes, Iran gets closer to having nuclear weapons, and the likelihood of a peaceful solution decreases. Iran with the bomb is simply not acceptable to Israel; only one bomb would be enough to make a large part of Israel uninhabitable. War is getting more likely all the time.
–Jack Mulcaire
2. US annexes Canada.
Finally, America will claim what is rightfully hers. Canada is already basically a protectorate of the United States of North America. Remember when their military went on vacation last year? The only reason they can pull off that kind of stuff is because they have America as a neighbor. We have been delaying the inevitable for long enough, to celebrate the first decade of this millennium America will finally take Canada, even though it basically ours already.
3. Rand Paul Secures Seat in US Senate.
Not Ron Paul, but Rand Paul. Yes, he is the son of one of America’s greatest statesmen and he is running for senate in Kentucky. I predict that he will win the seat he desires and we will have the Paul tag team in congress. As a dominant humanoid, just like his father, Rand Paul will win the election against the evil Jim Bunning. Together Rand and Ron will change the future of America for the better.
–Cahill Maffei
4. The GOP completely falls apart.
We all know what happened in the 2008 presidential election. But the really striking thing about this election is the lack of leadership within the Republican party (which is usually a classic strength of the conservatives). John McCain wasn’t a terrible candidate, but outside of him, there was a shocking lack of candidates – Mitt Romney, Sarah Palin, and Mike Huckabee (all of whom have either fallen off the political map or are on the verge of doing so). More and more the young people are voting for the democratic party’s candidates, which indicates that the problem will only get worse before it gets better.
It’s already been a year since Obama won in a landslide victory, and no clear candidates for the republican party have emerged. As the economy will start to rebound, Obama is likely to go from strength to strength – what chance do the republicans have of winning against an even stronger candidate?
What we are really seeing is the decline of what is called the “neo-con” movement – those republicans that haven’t become at least moderates have been silenced in an effort by the mainstream elements of the GOP to maintain some sort of relevance. Those who have not adapted – the rock-hard conservatives who refuse to stray from the radical party line – have become a discredited and humiliated minority who are stigmatized by the majority of the media.
The republican party reached its height during the past twenty years (between the Regan administration which ended the Cold War to Bush’s most recent presidential term), but now it will experience a down cycle. Assumably, as backlash against the reigning (democratic) party grows during the coming years, we will have a new generation of republicans, and thus, a new cycle.
–Petersen Walrod
