As many CdM students already know, junior Darren Lu has near-magical knowledge about how the world really works. A full account of the truth he has given us can be found here. We decided that, although prolonged exposure to Darren’s forbidden knowledge usually results in severe psychological trauma, we should get more detailed information based on Darren’s unique perspective and share it with CdM’s student body, in order to help them see the lies that society is based on. Arranging a meeting with Darren is not easy. To make contact with him we first had to talk to several representatives of the Russian Mafia. They provided us with the information necessary to get in touch with a certain “Mr. Bigg”. Bigg told us that in order to meet Darren we would first have to be subjected to an extensive interview by Darren’s head bodyguard and assistant. We went to the address he told us to go to, a warehouse in Santa Ana. When we entered we were immediately knocked unconscious and bags were put over our face. We awoke several minutes later and the bags were removed from our faces. We were in a dark room, with a wet concrete floor. A single light bulb hung from the ceiling, leaving the corners of the room in shifting shadows. Out of these shadows stepped a an effeminate, elf like man. “Stay awake, I need to ask you some questions” he said. “What…is that Clay Aiken?” said Cahill. And indeed it was. “Look, guys, uhm, I’m going to ask you guys like a few questions.” He removed his baby blue button down and complimenting cashmere cardigan, and put on what appeared to be a large tarp. And then the torture began.

- “I’m going to attach these jumper cables to your body mmkay?”
After hours of incredible pain, and equally terrible tickling, we heard a silky and familiar voice, rich and noble. “That’s enough Aiken. Now go back to Pechanga Casino and Resort, your work is done here. Sorry for the secrecy, but the Coast Guard is constantly watching my every move.” “Really? the Coast Guard?” “Yes, you have no idea how powerful they really are.” Right off the bat the wise master give huge sums of new information regarding the world’s real history:
- Finney didn’t actually die in Separate Peace. In reality he was “whisked away” by the United States government because only, the government could truly comprehend his potential as a genetically modified super soldier. They injected Finny with the experimental “Super Soldier Serum” . Additionally, Finny’s actual name was Steve Finnaeus Rogers. At first glance this does not appear tyo be significant; however, Steve Rogers is the real name of Captain America and the scientist, Dr. Steven von Roschenburg, who created the Super Serum appears multiple times through out the comic book series.

Makes this story seem a lot less...you know.
- The TV show Yu-Gi-Oh! is actually based on Abraham Lincoln’s childhood.
- Ferris Wheels are communist propaganda. Often used to spy on the lives of Americans.
- The “fluoride” that is put in the drinking supply to supposedly ”strengthen tooth enamel” is actually used to by the government to monitor our daily lives.
- All breakfast cereal contains amino acids that make Americans comply to the government. This is the only way a republic can actually function.
- “Aglets, the small plastic caps on the end of shoe laces, purpose: sinister”

Purpose: sinister
All of these revelations were, well, pretty shocking to say the least in their own right. But what we really wanted to know was the backstory on one of his more famous claims. As we’re sure you all remember, the last time we interviewed him, Darren declared that the entire nation of the United Kingdom does not and never has existed. We wanted him to clarify this story. “Well, I have to admit, children, that I wasn’t entirely honest with you last time. But only because you weren’t ready for the whole truth. You see, England doesn’t exist now, but it did once. I think you’re ready now. Let me explain…” The story Darren told us went on for hours and completely explained everything about all of human history. It was comparable to the Bible in it’s ability to provide meaning to and transcend the human experience. Basically everything about history is true up until the 13th century. But, said Darren, “In the Middle Ages, there was the the bloody struggle between England and France known in your history textbooks as the Hundred Years War, and amongst Truthgivers like myself as the Great Magical Space Dinosaur Inter-Dimensional Cataclysm (GMSDIDC) of 1453. French wizards, more specifically Joan of Arc, used their powers to conjure a portal on top of the Washington Monument, which was actually built millions of years ago by the Forerunners. Through this portal, two rival races of super-intelligent dinosaurs arrived. England and France each took one of the races as allies, and soon a massive battle of lasers, magic and swords was joined. All of the British dinosaurs were voiped into another dimension when one of their own laser eyebeams misfired and blasted Britain through the portal that the dinosaurs came from.

Pictured: A British Dinosaur
“Wait,” we said. “So you’re telling us that Britain no longer exists because it was sent to another dimension in a battle between magic space dinosaurs 600 years ago?”
“Yeah, it’s the GMSDIDC,” said Darren.
“Oh, well alright then. That…actually makes a lot of sense. Ties up a lot of loose ends.”
“I know. Because its true. Anyway, the British dinosaurs are waiting for the day when someone will reopen the portal and allow them to rain vengeance on humanity.”
It was getting pretty late, and Darren was clearly agitated by our shoe laces. He said that we had been there too long, and that the Coast Guard would be arriving shortly.
Darren began to levitate, shot up through the roof and levitated up to the bosom of heaven, in a display that was more impressive to us than the the most expensive of Air Hogs.
We were then knocked out from behind, presumably with a silly little smile by Clay Aiken, who was still there, having defied Darren’s orders to return to his lair at Casino Morongo or wherever.
We never saw Darren Liu again. But he’s still out there. Carrying knowledge and truth within him. If you seem him, treat him with respect, because he is God-like in his knowledge and powers.

The Revered One