In the last year or so, something of a cultural phenomenon has grown up around the Snuggie. This sleveed blanket product has taken the nation by storm, after appearing in a series of unintentionally hilarious TV ads. I grew interested in the Snuggie mainly due to the fact that I found the idea of wearing a sort of reverse Jedi robe, because a blanket is too complicated for you, to be hilarious. I mean, a blanket is literally just a large piece of cloth, and somehow you can’t figure out how it works?   But that’s just me. The vast majority of Snuggie users have one because, as junior and Snuggie owner Annika Gerken says, “It’s super comfortable and you can bring it on trips like YnG and to school”.

OH DEAR GOD WHAT IS THAT

The Snuggie, at first glance, appears to be basically harmless. It’s soft, brightly colored; its warm folds invite you into its, well, snuggly embrace. Everyone likes to be comfy, and the Snuggie is the cutting edge of comfy technology. So what exactly is the issue here?

Let’s take a step back: America was a nation founded by awesome people. George Washington got up every morning at 5,  to work on his farm and presumably improve his fighting skills by sparring with his slaves (and trust me, if there’s one type of sparring partner that takes things way to far, it’s slaves that you own).  Benjamin Franklin did pretty much anything cool that came his way: He founded the first volunteer fire department in America just because he wanted to, helped build the world’s first manned hydrogen balloon for his own amusement, and wrote his own prayer book with the Baron Le Despencer, who was known as the biggest partier and ladies’ man in 1700s England (seriously– look him up, he was the man). The book had six minute funerals, so people wouldn’t get bored. Even the slow Founding Father, James Madison, managed to, you know, to write the Constitution.

"I say good sir, I was merely motioning to adjourn!"

The point is, that you  had to be tough to survive in America. Our nation was a place where no-holds barred death matches took place on the floor of the Senate (check it out:#mce_temp_url#). As late as 1909 during the presidency of Teddy Roosevelt, the White House was occupied by a man who had done combat with bears and Spaniards (some say at the same time, and just for fun. And by “some”, I mean me).

But in the last couple of decades , we Americans have  lost touch with that hard working, intellectual spirit. America’s not as tough as it was in those days. Our children have grown soft, raised without having to compete for food with ten other siblings. Now our kids have access to every toy they could ever want and endless distraction in the form of video games. Our generation is incredibly narcissistic, and indeed who wouldn’t be, considering all you have to do is log on to Facebook to see that you have hundreds of “friends”, and that they are all apparently very concerned with knowing what you are thinking at this very second.

Uhhmericuh

In fact, Americans have grown soft in the literal sense too; we’re the fattest nation on Earth by far. It’s only a matter of time before the average US citizen looks something like the fellow in the photo to the right.

We’ve been living the easy life here in America, and it shows. How does it show? The Snuggie.

If comfort and convenience are king in America, then making money has to be queen. The Snuggie exists at the intersection of these two qualities of our national personality. It’s a product specifically designed to take advantage of our newfound tendency towards laziness, endless consumption of useless products, and intentional ignorance. If you want to avoid doing work, watch inane TV shows about things like ugly women competing to win the love of Steve Buscemi through song and dance, and just generally not think about anything at all, what better way to do it than wrapped in a Snuggy?

I want to take a moment here to address a particularly offensive and horrible type of Snuggie. The “rock band” Weezer recently released their own Snuggie, which is printed with the band’s name. I have issues with Weezer, issues deep and wide enough to warrant their own article, and perhaps someday I will write that article. I already touched on them in an earlier piece (http://tridentonline.net/2009/10/the-top-4-worst-songs-of-the-last-10-years/). My problem with Weezer is that in the 90s they put out a couple of albums that were pretty good, and then turned into one of the most annoying, most trite and bland guitar-driven pop bands of the 2000s, approaching Hoobastank levels of horribleness, and no one noticed. Seriously, listen to the song “Troublemaker”, and tell me it doesn’t belong on Radio Disney. The idea of a Snuggie with their name on it is sort of a double impact of things that I personally don’t like.

Of course, the Snuggy has its fans. Millions of Snuggies have been sold,  and quite a lot of students on campus at CdM own one. Some of them even put forward arguments in defense of these fleece robes the signify everything wrong with our great nation. Junior and noted Snuggie enthusiast Nikki Waniek says “It is a unique creation that is a combo of all the things I love; warmth, fleece, and Albus Dumbeldore.” Senior Christine Light addressed similar points, saying “They are warm, soft and robe-like, and most importantly they have animal print. And they are excellent for sliding on hard surfaces”. Senior Jamie Heinecke says “Snuggies are pretty much a necessity for life”, and Max Bergeson, also a senior, is a known Snuggie owner, although he professes to be “neutral” on questions of Snuggie ethics.

There is, however, a small anti-Snuggie camp amongst the student body that keeps true American values alive. When asked about his feelings towards Snuggies, sophomore and true patriot Cheyne Kelly astounded me with this instant and completely unsolicited response:

Snuggies epitomize the decadence and decay of American culture in every way. I mean, whatever happened to the good ole’ American blanket? It’s gone, and now we got some big Mr. Corporate CEO telling me I need sleeves on my blanket to read. Well let me ask you this Mr. Executive CEO: Why do you think people read reclined on their couches with blankets? No one does that…no true American reads for fun.

He be hatin' Snuggie

Junior Kjell Wolker echoed this when he said “I think Snuggies are pretty dumb…I would just say NEVER use them outside of the house”.  Although, to be fair to the Snuggie, there aren’t many things Mr. Wolker does like. He’s a discerning gentlemen.

In summation, you face a choice. Do you want to retreat into a recreated womb of fleece protection, but pay for your comfort by surrendering to ignorance and laziness? Or do you want to take risks, live by your wits and face the world with free will?

I’ve made my choice Corona. I suggest you make yours.