Since the beginning of mankind, humans have arranged noises in pleasing rhythmic patterns to make music. Music at its best is emotional, exciting and inspiring; it’s one of our greatest accomplishments as a species. It’s telling that when NASA built the Voyager space probe, which is now the farthest man-made object from Earth, they put over 40 musical recordings on-board as part of a set of information intended to educate extraterrestrials that might encounter the probe about the existence and nature of human beings.

None of those songs will be on this list. Partially because Voyager was launched in 1977 so none of the tracks were recorded yet.  And by the time the first one was recorded Voyager was over 12 million miles from Earth, so, you know, they couldn’t  really  throw some new ones in at that point. But the main reason they didn’t put any of these songs on there is because if aliens did find it and listen to them, well, they’d probably go out of their way to find us and use their crazy-advanced technology to turn the surface of our planet to glass. And not even Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith could save us then.

If this isn't going to do it, nothing will

But anyway, the point is that these songs are really bad:

4) Ubermensch by Angerfist

It’s not so much that this specific song is horrible, it’s a “gabber” song. Gabber is an extremely specific and extremely horrible genre of techno music that is wildly popular in Holland. I wanted to pick a gabber song for this article and this was the first one I came across on Youtube, and after that I didn’t want to have to listen to any more, so I just picked this one. Basically this song and every other one like sound a giant evil machine that just ate 50 pounds of hatred. Seriously, every single one has the same painfully loud, giant bassline thudding at least once per second and a bombastic Decepticons-with-ADD synthesizer sound. I have to admit I was sort of surprised that such angry industrial-sounding music could come from the Dutch, people who are known mainly for the fact that they wear wooden shoes and ride bikes down their quaint canal-side streets,  but then I remembered that they’re basically just toned-down versions of the Germans and and it made more sense.

3) “I Love College” by Asher Roth [DISCLAIMER: Some may find the lyrics of this song offensive]

People have referred to the genre of this particular piece of work as “rap” or “hip-hop”. That’s a lie. Let’s examine why:

• The hook is sampled from Weezer. Weezer. There is nothing less gangster or dangerous than Weezer. They’re the musical equivalent of gummy vitamins in a childproof container.
• It’s about going to college, something no rapper has ever done, except for Kanye West, but he’s already been dealt with (for more information please click here:  #mce_temp_url# ).
• Asher Roth himself admits that he’s not actually much of a rapper. In an interview with Vibe Magazine he stated “The first CD I ever bought was Dave Matthew’s Band ‘Crash’…That is how suburban I am”.
• Most importantly no actual rapping is done in this song. He sort of just talks in a slow drawl that is common in the South and amongst head injury victims and sometimes the words happen to kind-of rhyme.

I’ve also got issues with the actual lyrics of the song. Asher Roth laments his lack of video recording equipment, apparently because he wanted to record how awesome and cool he and all of he friends were and are. But let’s set this in real life: If you were at a party and some random guy was walking around with a video camera, pointing it at you and at scantily clad women, would you think “Thank God that guy’s here history needs to be reminded of the stuff that’s about to happen”? Senior Sam Parks says “Why would he want to have a tape of said crazy party? So he can show his kids in 10 years?”  Furthermore if you were at a party and a guy was shouting “DO SOMETHING CRAZY” over and over again while aggressively encouraging others to join in his call to idiocy, would you think “Now there’s a guy I need to hang out with more?”

So ghetto, so ghetto, so hood

2) “Yahhh!” by Soulja Boy

This is one of the lesser known non-”Crank That” tracks off of Soulja Boy’s originally named 2007 “Souljaboytellem.com” album. First I just want to say a few words about “Crank That”: The period during which “Crank That” was popular was much like the Nazi occupation of France. Those who had honor kept the flame of hope alive by underground resistance, while those who had none openly welcomed the evil force that had taken over the country. When liberation came those people tried to hide their shame, but everyone knew who they were. Just sayin’: We know who you are, people who danced to “Crank That” at Homecoming. And we aren’t going to forget.

But onto the musical masterpiece that is “Yahhh!”. I can’t really describe it, it has to be listened to. But I will say that it contains this bit of lyrical awesomeness: “Ain’t got time for chit-chat I’m tryin to get this money/So get up out my face you doo-doo head dummy”. Yes, this song was actually written by an 8 year old. And apparently the beat was made by one too; it honestly sounds like it was made on the Target-bought Yamaha Midi Keyboard I had when I was 8. Oh and after that verse the Cookie Monster comes and kills a person and the audio of it is recorded. I’m not kidding. Listen to the song. On the plus side the music video has Dawg the Bounty Hunter, or at least someone that looks like him.

1) “Freaxxx” by Brokencyde [DISCLAIMER: Some may find the lyrics of this song offensive.]

Just look at them.

When it came time to write this, I just stared at my computer screen. In truth, there is no way I can really do justice to the beyond-awful horror of this song. It’s simply not describable. So when reading this remember that whatever I say, the truth is far worse. And if I’m ever mean to you, have some mercy; I’m like a shell-shocked war veteran. The memories haunt me still and cause me to act funny sometimes.

So here it is: Brokencyde is a bunch of scene kids from Albuquerque who had a really great idea. “Wait,” they thought. “Vapid Autotune-based pop songs about shorties and dranks are awesome. Screamo music is also awesome. What if we combined them?” This lead to “Freaxxx”. The song’s music video opens with a bunch of not-even-that-attractive ladies and the members of the band getting out of Range Rovers, apparently in the middle of a park or something, in broad daylight. Then a guy with blonde highlights and three facial piercings and a pink shirt with obscene words on it starts screaming. Screaming like Satan being gutted with a broadsword. Inexplicably the non-hot ladies start dancing. What appears to be an angry robot in a human costume starts talking about “shorties gettin’ freaky on the dance floor” while more screams pierce your ears. Then a man in a pig costume appears on screen, also dancing. Why any of this is happening is not really explained. The robot orders you again and again to “Get freaky”. At this point you feel a swelling of helpless and confused anger and frustration. Then all the members of the band start screaming “Liar!” in their dying Velociraptor voices, apparently at the dancing women. It’s not explained why this is happening either. The women huddle together in a group, surrounded by the screaming , jerking members of Brokencyde. The looks of fear on their faces mirror your own. Finally the song starts getting quieter, and you think it’s over, but then the screaming starts again. I think that this was an attempt at creating a dramatic bass drop, but it fails because the audio is so poorly mixed that you can’t hear the bass over the screaming. And at this point, when I say screaming, I mean the screaming of the singers and anyone that is hearing the song. And then it’s over. But it never really ends. It stays with you. Forever.